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[23 Apr 2005|11:17pm] |
WHGAT THE FUCK HAVE I EVER ASKJED FOR?
THE ONLY THING IVE EVER WANTED.. IVE EVER NEED.. YOU CONSTANTLY DENY ME.
WHAT THGE FUYCK ELSE DO I NEED TO DO?
I HAVE AVOIDED ALL MAJOR SINS, I HAVE WORKED AS HARD AS I CAN TO BE THE BEST PERSON IC AN BE.. TO NOT NE THE FUCKING SCUM AND SLIME THAT YOU HAVE MADE HUMANITYU TO BE.,
FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL THIS WAY
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[10 Apr 2005|12:33am] |
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mood |
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WHAT?! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! |
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OH GOD
yes.. yes big booty on the one and two bounce bounce baby
no halfstepping
look. see here now. this is idiotic i wont fucking stand for it. jeeeeezus throw it into the open! its a field.. frisbee yesssss
shittin you not, lets face the facts.
=
flip it
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| I used to have a pony, on Coney Island. It got hit by a truck. |
[06 Apr 2005|06:03pm] |
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mood |
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teetering |
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music |
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of a fuckin revolution |
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its so right. i love how the wind is becoming warm. instead of those millions of freezy imps biting your cheeks its a nice calming velvet breeze.. of course things get better.. the grey is left behind and the colors emerge. yes im fucking happy its spring. i wore shorts today (andy keirns collar shirt/shorts style[credit]) and my nuts didnt even get cold. tis a beautiful season. ive been working out since spring break.. just like situps pushups some free weights.. its so great. just wake, bake, and get a sudden desire to blast music and get some exercise. its lester burnham all over again.
im bored of writing now but even though i'm going to a wake in 30 minutes, i feel pretty fucking good. its all about how you look at things, reality is what you make of it.. i preach that, and sometimes i forgot to practice it.
(realize now how much shes just like the others, cold and distant)
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| sweet |
[01 Apr 2005|10:23am] |
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mood |
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yeaaa |
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music |
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odb - stand up |
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whatever dude.. sucks that i only really want to write shit when i feel like shit. i write good when i feel good, which is most of the time.. but then im too lazy
so heres a good one ya fucker
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[27 Mar 2005|09:11am] |
this has been an emotional month.. too much for words.. ive failed again
"and the universe is shaped exactly like the earth
if you go straight long enough you'll end up where you were"
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| ive got the capabilities to program your circuitry |
[10 Mar 2005|12:43am] |
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mood |
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vodkakahluahtequilaandsuch |
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music |
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m-e-t..h-o-d.. maann |
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that's right.. i don't fucking care
i know they want me.. i have what it takes to be the best.. i am the untouchable, egotistical, proud and triumphant fucking alpha male. it lives inside me, no matter how much the bullshit that surrounds me brings me down.. it thrives. it is the drive and motivation that makes me. i feel left for dead so often.. as if that if this were the last moment.. i wouldn't mind.. but it doesn't want to die.. it wants to expand and grow to encompass anything that can be.. it has the potential, and it doesn't want it to be wasted, but there are always other factors.. the shit that is all around and imposed on us is forever triumphant.. when you finally get that brief break of self awareness, it comes.. it takes over you and refuses to let go..
inhale.. poison has replaced oxygen
impenetrable fortress.. castle is fine.. the walls get fucked
it doesn't feel just.. it doesn't feel like everything is right.. is it possible for us to find out what truly makes us? fuck it
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[03 Mar 2005|05:52pm] |
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i dont think anyone reads this, which is a good thing.. but if some people do, they should say something whenever i have something written down that they think about too.. would be different
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| woof |
[02 Mar 2005|07:17pm] |
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mood |
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bored =o |
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music |
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some war movie |
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ill start this by saying that i'm only going to be around for another year or so before i move and start a life somewhere else, where i feel i belong more. i feel as though im ready to go start something right now, and knowing that i have to stay here against my will for another whole year sucks ass. i want my time here to be the best that it can be, and i want to learn as much as i can before i go.
with that said, i dont have much to look forward to until my departure, and i had only two things i was really hoping were going to work out for me. one was moving out, and another was finding a girl i could actually like.
leroy is a really good friend of mine. i've known him for a long time, and he's never done me any wrong. this weekend he fucked me out of a new home instead of taking five minutes to sit and think about his current situation. was the five minutes not worth the time? maybe he thought it would work out and decided to back out at the last possible moment. whatever happened, i understand that people make mistakes.. but its crucial that they learn from them. all i wanted to do was find a place of my own and get used to living on my own, paying my own bills, and being my own boss at home. now that this isn't possible, there's one big disappointment..
the blade situation is a strange one.. she is someone i actually like, respect, and care for.. and i don't feel that way towards many women. i enjoy her company, she's attractive and funny.. and i'm pretty sure she feels some of that towards me. the catch? of course, she isn't single. she is in love with someone else.. and i honestly do respect that. i have no desire to come between the happiness between two people to take for my own benefit. the problem with this is, when i actually like someone.. i dont think of anyone else to put into my "to flirt with" category. this usually wouldnt be an issue.. if i weren't operating in a time limit. while i feel it would be totally worth it to spend all my time pursuing this person.. its not something i think would actually happen, no matter how much i would like it to. as i said, its a weird situation, but only time can tell on things like this. if it happens, hell yea.. if not.. oh well, life goes on.
nothing else really on the noggin..
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| an infinite comedy |
[28 Feb 2005|12:27am] |
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mood |
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high ly tired |
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music |
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modest mouse - wild pack of family dogs |
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to feel invincible, but walking on thin ice
to feel lost in translation, but charasmatic
to feel hopeful, but sick of waiting
to feel emotion stretching, but time not allowing
to feel weights being added to your heels, but your calfs strengthen
et fucking cetera
so irrelevant.. but what else is there
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| an adjunct comment to a ridiculous demand |
[23 Feb 2005|11:15am] |
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mood |
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woke and boke |
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music |
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Handsome Boy Modeling School - A Day in the Life |
] |
Feed you the flesh of men
so you can see end again
Yeah, yeah...
yea.. these are strange times.. im moving in a few days, spring is coming (thank fucking christ), weird tensions..
i know i enjoy any kind of strange vibes or tensions between me and anyone else.. because i think it means something. its a beacon that this person is different than others, and its through differences maintained in a controlled way that things get changed.. christ, all my thoughts root around that kind of shit. its about the people you know, the people you trust.. im not going to be around for long, and i want to meet as many people as i can, and see more.. and besides, whats an experience without someone to share it with? but since there is really so much going on.. it feels like a bomb is going to drop and things are going to be different.. im totally ready for it and hoping like hell some things will change.. i need to learn so much in so little time and the only way to really do that is to completely submerge yourself in new experiences..
my only fear about all this is that i might lose sight of my goals.. i MUST travel and see what the world has to offer me.. because everyone wants me around =).. i MUST maintain my tao, hah.. grr, and of course i MUST finish school and get my bachelors culinary and associates business by the time im 24. boy howdy i can bitch about that till the cows come home..
however, this is all said and thought on the basis of hope. i hope randy and kristee can keep their shit together and we'll have a good time. i hope..
-INTERJECTION-
i just realized a bunch of my hopes that i was going to put into the paragraph were hopes about myself. hopes that i could and have complete control over. if the hope were to fail, it would my fault and not fate's. im glad im finally realizing this shit.. +5 to Confidence skill.
-END-
existence is heavenly.. its all we get
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| bah |
[17 Feb 2005|05:40pm] |
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aww.. i made a good positive entry yesterday for my birfday.. but it didnt work =(
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| jim fear |
[10 Feb 2005|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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\m/ rockin \m/ |
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music |
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secret chiefs 3 - book m |
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startin this with a tribute to ODB.. we miss you man.. rip
this is gunna be a hectic-ass month.. my bday in 1 week.. movin in 2 weeks.. workin off 300 bucks due to faggot college bills.. school is funky.. pretty much no more lectures in essentials, 95% cooking baby.
i got nothin to say.. just a note to self: hey.. dirty.. baby i got yo money
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| truth and reconciliation |
[21 Jan 2005|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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god only knows |
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music |
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lif and akrobatik - the avengers |
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who is brendon todd.. i couldn't really tell ya.. haven't figured that one out. as of right now, friday jan 29 2005 i can say a few things about who i think i am.
i am a happy person. i love being around other people, and knowing that others are in a good mood and are feeling happy brings me up. i want nothing more than to spend a simple life giving people what they want, and taking very little away for myself. i feel as though i was born a martyr, that if a group were persecuted, i'd be the one to catch the blame. causing another human being to laugh or smile is the single greatest joy that i have inwardly contained. every time someone else is made happy, either by me or something else, i feel their happiness... this is who i believe my core being to be.
however, i also feel that i have the fear.. i house tremendous amounts of pain that i don't know how to let out. it causes me great discomfort to think of the atrocities that our species are capable of. it confuses me to wonder about how or why malice is such hyperthreaded portion of the human being. i speak of how we have lived our lives on this planet ruling by force, fear, and consequence. we weren't born with the driving force of causing others pain in order to make a personal gain. why was it created? was it out of necessity due to overpopulation? while i don't understand the greed and desire to harm that was imposed upon us, there is even more than bothers me.
i am the stereotypical confused person. i don't understand myself, i don't know my place in the world, i don't know what drives me or what brings me down fully. this is something that nearly every person that lives must endure, and find out for themselves. some have a harder time than others, and i don't believe myself to be facing anything more difficult than the norm. i know for a fact that i have a giant void to fill. i've felt since i can remember that there is something i'm missing, there is something i need to bring myself closer to completion and it isn't something insignificant. i feel the space and emptiness everywhere i go. i think about it when first waking up, when driving to work, when watching a movie with my friends, when hanging out at apartments, when on my computer, when packing a bowl, when at school.. the list is endless. and it isn't something that i think about and then just move on to something else. hell, 10% of my total attention span is ALWAYS spent on trying to figure out what it is i need to be happy. to feel comfortable inwardly. forever, in my mind.. i'm wondering.. what i need. i'm not sure of what it is, but the single outshining factor would probably have something to do with the fact that im 3 weeks away from being 20 years old, and still have not had anyone i consider to relate to. i've never even had sex, which in the cosmic sense means absolutely jackshit, but it still hurts. i understand women and what they want / need in life. figuring that out was the simple part. however, i've focused too much on other people and their sociological relations and not enough time on myself. but as previously stated, i don't live for myself, i live for others. even though the happiness i get from being in a room full of joyful folks is tremendous, in the sense that my void is filled for the time being, the pain i feel emanating from myself is sometimes overwhelming.
i consider this journal entry thing to be the most egotistical and self-driven piece of shit i've ever written and it makes me feel awful to use so many "i"s or "me"s in one sitting.. but i found it necessary. i feel better than when i started writing this, but i've gained nothing from it.
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| nigga you aint thug |
[17 Jan 2005|04:27pm] |
hmm
purgatory as it is
.. don't take it personally, but you fucking disgust me you trashy slut.. you even ruined porn for me because i can't look past a woman's vile painted on faces, or her previously eternal innocence.. fuck the virtue gained from a life of celibacy.. we desire more, we desire the almighty dollar or the role of the alpha male.. if we are not fit for these positions we cheat.. we lie, we cheat, we steal, and we kill for personal profit. humans are bringing down the planet and we know it.. but we don't stop it. there is nothing more important than shaping the world around us to fit our every needs. we search for existential comfort and end life doing so. who the fuck are we to play god and kill without creating. we sit back and say theres nothing we can do, let the machine roll by as we inhale the filth it spews. it is coming.. the day when the art ceases to exist and creation is stopped.. the only thing left is to destroy, and we gladly join the trend like all others. we are the plague upon other life and we are proud of it.
devastation is easy when you don't have to rebuild
this means nothing to me
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| felching the slampigs |
[27 Dec 2004|08:59pm] |
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mood |
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 naughty |
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music |
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we're having the time of our lives.. |
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recession? perhaps
i enjoy my quarters
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| i dare any nigga that try to battle |
[08 Dec 2004|07:23pm] |
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mood |
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confidence overload, bitch |
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music |
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a postcard from 3000 heart |
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you think you can fuck with me?
i take pity on whoever tries to bring me down, because i CANNOT be brought down. i am on top the world on the tallest mountain because i am who i am and there is no stopping me. i am the strongest of the strong, and i will crush all who stand in my way. give me a challenge and it will be overcome, give me quicksand and it'll turn to dust, give me paraplegia and ill show you how fast a wheelchair REALLY goes.. im king shit, and i take it from no one
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| who cares if it makes sense.. i like it |
[06 Dec 2004|09:25pm] |
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mood |
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there's a tension building... |
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music |
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the roots - track 3 |
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it is a month later.. nothing has happened.
where are the events that take place to inspire
when are the collisions of fate that drive mankind to passion?
c'est la vie.. there is nothing to do but wait for the time..
so here's some more pretentious philosophical bullshit from yours truly
we dont need who we are to see ourselves
every person is 2 people.. one who he is who no one sees, and one who is he is as seen by others.
the acts are the same, but the perceptions are altered
he sees himself and his thoughts
another sees him and perceives him as he is to them
upon changing an absolute
humanity gains the power to
change the universe
if death were altered
survival would take over
we will be forced to expand
forced to expand means - unity, knowledge, power
----
ive been reading the art of war too much
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| when brendoteric shines kid, it gets no brighter |
[07 Nov 2004|03:24pm] |
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mood |
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the mood associated w/ nudity |
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music |
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somebody's yelling |
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ohhh snap.. done alot since halloween, but guess wut? im not writin shit about it.
PROGRESS NOTES:
-getting a raise at werk.. gunna rake in $200+ a week while maintaining 17 credits at college lol.. let the good times roll
-had 2 different females in my "maybe" category, both were voted no by the cerebellum and cerebral cortex, which outranked the one "yes" vote by the conscience. oh well.. maybe one day i'll get over my whole trophy obsession and actually settle for someone i like. oohhhh welllll
-who wants to get a house? nigga bob, randolph, and ryan ledouche all seem interested, and that would work out as long as everyone can pay their rent.. it would be pretty shitty to have to tell one of your good friends to pack their shit and move out because they didn't have a hundred bucks or something for the month, though..
-k im done.. short today
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[04 Nov 2004|10:40pm] |
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i dont want to speak.. i dont want to write.. i want to sit on my couch and see beauty instead of commercials..
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